Smiles' Crazy Blog

So, today I could really only think about one thing, while I was at work, and that definately wasn't work. Not that I did horrible at work, but people noticed a difference. Maybe I am emotional, just not in the same way as people expect it to be or expect it should be.

But really why is it that I dwell so much time on that, I can't do anything about it. I wish I could, I wish I could communicate better, but now I feel really lonely in a house with six other people. Nine to ten o'clock is really going to suck with no one to really talk to. I mean, I at least had about 1 hour of conversation with an intelligent person. Oh well, I have to settle with staring at my computer screen now.

I guess I could try to heal in many different ways, but who knows. But still today is making my brain hurt, all morning I couldn't stop thinking about her. Why? I still have no idea if I even did anything or didn't do anything. So I was trying to think if I could have done something, or could do something. The answer is no. There are very few things that I can do, without making me expect more than I actually deserve to get, which is nothing. First off I could call her, but that is kind of weird, and what would I say, "Have you changed your mind?" No ok. Ugh. Plus it is kind of creepy and what restraining orders are made of. I could show up randomly at her house and give her something that is her, but that is a no go because she lives out of the way of anything, and I don't have anything of hers, plus there is always a threat of a restraining order. No I really can't do anything. So I can either sit around and wait, or I could just continue living, which is what I need to do.

Still not doing a very good job of expressing my emotions.

I started getting a little happier today when I thought of a certain song. No it isn't some sappy love song about how she will come back to me, or a song about getting on with life, no it is a song by the Refreshments, and that song would be Banditos.

And here it is.

So just how far down do you want to go
And we can talk it out over a cup of joe
And you can look deep into my eyes
Like I was a super-model

Uh huh

Well it’s you and me baby
No one else we can trust
We’ll say nuthin to no one
No how or we’ll bust
And never crack a smile or flinch or cry
For nobody

Uh huh

Well give your ID card to the border guard
Now your alias says you're Captain Jon Luke Picard
Of the United Federation of Planets
Cause he won’t speak english anyway

Everybody knows that the world is full of stupid people
So meet me at the mission at midnight
We’ll divvy up there
Everybody knows that the world is full of stupid people
Well I got the pistol
So I'll keep the pesos

Yeah and that seems fair

So put the sugar in the tank of the sheriff’s car
And slash the deputy’s tires
So they won’t get very far
When they finally get the word that there’s been a hold-up

Uh huh

And give your ID card to the border guard
Now your alias says you're Captain Jon Luke Picard
Of the United Federation of Planets
Cause he won’t speak english anyway

Everybody knows that the world is full of stupid people
So meet me at the mission at midnight
We'll divvy up there
And everybody knows that the world is full of stupid people
Well I got the pistol
So I'll keep the pesos
Yeah that seems fair
That seems fair
And that seems fair
Well that seems fair

Well give your ID card to the border guard
Now your alias says you're Captain Jon Luke Picard
Of the United Federation of Planets
Cause he won’t speak english anyway

Everybody knows that the world is full of stupid people
So meet me at the mission at midnight
We'll divvy up there
And everybody knows that the world is full of stupid people
Well I got the pistol
So I'll keep the pesos
Yeah that seems fair ....

There is nothing really in that song about anything that has to do with anything in my situation, but it made my smile a little bigger, when I sang it out loud a little.

I still felt really lonely though, because I don't feel connected to any of my co-workers, that will take time, but I can talk to them and be nice to them, but I don't fit in. I know it. About the only thing that comes out of their mouths all day is, "Playa Playa" or how they partied last night or all weekend. Which are the two things that I do the most, wait no, they aren't. Or they are married and have kids.

My head is starting to hurt, so this is really a good post or I have over analyzed everything and suck really bad. So it is just a little past nine now. Which use to be my favorite time of the day, now it is time to ponder shoulda/coulda/woulda. I need to move on, but moving on takes time. I need friends, so that I don't feel so lonely, but I don't do anything the normal person my age does. It is so hard.

So really, I will probably not be able to sleep very much tonight, cause I will be thinking a lot. And if ANYONE in the world out there knows my number call me tonight, or tomorow night around 8 CDT/6 PDT. I should be available.