Smiles' Crazy Blog

So why am I awake right now, when I should be sleeping because I need to be awake in 5 hours, well I think it boils down to one thing, I don't know how to share my emotions.

Then again I could be wrong.

I don't know how to say this, but in a fairly straight-forward way, but me and Katie broke up tonight, and while I know all fo you don't really care, I sure as heck do. The main reason why, ios that I can't share how I feel, with really anyone.

Most of the time I fell quite satisfied that I am pretty stable emotionally, and I don't talk about them at all, and I keep what I feel as weaknesses to myself. I have even said on occasion don't worry about hurting my feelings, because I don't have them. While I know that is untrue, there are definately times that I wish it was, and when those times come, I tend to hide them. Not that I am repressive, but I have always felt that emotional stuff(because I don't know how else to describe it) is some kind of weakness. I have learned avoid your weakness, and stick to your strengths, well, right now, I feel like a stone in a forest. Life is all around me, even living on me, but I am not alive myself. I don't really need anything else to exist, is how I feel, or try to convince myself to feel, but for once in my life, I thought that I had found someone who was the completeness of me. Of course, what ruined it. Well, emotionally I am a giant stone. Why?

My mind has been going non-stop now for several hours, and I wish I had someone to talk to about it, but there is my other problem, when I am willing to share my emotions, I never feel like I can share that with the people I surround myself with. I don't know why. I guess I am one srious flawed individual. I can't share my emotions, unless it is a crisis, and even then I feel bad when I do it. Emotions are manipulative, at least that is how I feel. Usually emotions are used to direct a herd to reach the point where you want to be, and not the truth. I believe that truth is reached with logic, not emotion, and that if something is really true, than it can be expressed in a tangible method.

I have felt like an adult for sometime now, but I feel like a scared little kid. I have no idea what type of person I should be. Maybe my greatest flaw is what I often feel is my greatest strength. Maybe I am meant to just be a rock. Maybe I can't show people how alive I am.