Mare's Mess

My niece, Amy, came across this school in Falls Church, VA. For those of you who may not know, my maiden name is Henderson. I know I did a lot of things I don't remember, but I'd love to know what I did that endeared me so to the people of Falls Church, VA. I'll be waiting anxiously for the "About MEH" section. Oh, and check out my school song. Enthusiastic, Fantastic, We are MaryEllen. . . You Bet!

Here it is.

-Rock With You - Michael Jackson (i had MJ fever BAD in the 80's. i even had a red jacket like the one he wore in the Beat It video. you don't even have to tell me how completely dorky this is.)

-One Thing Leads to Another - The Fixx (every time i hear this song i picture the video in my head. usually that's annoying, but not with this one.)

-Jessie's Girl - Rick Springfield

-867-5309 - Tommy Tutone

-You Dropped the Bomb on Me - Gap Band

-Jeopardy - Greg Kihn Band (major University of Arkansas memories!)

-Can You Feel It? - The Jackson's (this was a carry over from my Michael-mania, but i really liked the Jackson's Triumph album. i was torn between this song and Lovely One. still not sure i made the right decision, but i'll have to live with it.)

-Somebody's Baby - Jackson Browne (major Fast Times at Ridgemont High memories)

-Lady (You Bring Me Up When I'm Down) - Commodores (this was one of the 5 or so songs that were out at the same time with the name Lady. can you name the others?)

-Fire - Pointer Sisters (major high school cruising memories)

-Run to You - Bryan Adams

-If This Is It - Huey Lewis

-Cut's Like a Knife - Bryan Adams

*Biggest Part of Me - Ambrosia (very sappy, but i still love it)

-I Don't Want to Live Without You - Foreigner (ditto the above. I wanted my friend Tammy to sing this one at our wedding but she said she couldn't because it wasn't in her range - or some lame excuse - but she did another lovely song for us so it was all good.)

-Emergency - Kool & the Gang

-Walking on Sunshine - Katrina & the Waves

-Lonesome Loser - Little River Band

-My Sharona - The Knack

-Hold On - Kansas (this song would make the list on it's own, but it has an added allure. i was driving around with my first love in high school - major heartbreak, but that's a story for another day - and when this song came on everything stopped as he cranked it up and said, "My favorite song by my favorite band." suddenly it became my favorite song by my favorite band too. i go back on that drive everytime i hear this song.)

*Stay - Jackson Browne

*September - Earth, Wind, & Fire

-Photograph - Def Leppard (matt talked me into this one on the podcast and it replaced Sweet Child O Mine. i hadn't thought about Def Leppard but loved Pyromania when it came out so i checked it out after the podcast and decided it should replace Guns 'N Roses)

-I'll Fall in Love Again - Sammy Haggar (matt also planted the seed for this one. he kept talking about how Van Halen would be on his 80's list so we got online to see which Van Halen songs he would pick and i remembered this Sammy Haggar song. it came out the summer after breaking up with my longtime boyfriend and it represented a new found independence and hope for the future to me. it also just jams.)

This is going to sound very Stuart Smalley, but each one of these songs is special to me in it's own way. As you can see from my descriptions above, some of them take me back to a specific time and place. Some just remind me of my former self and where I was (physically and emotionally)at the time it came out. Many of them just make me happy when I hear them and I don't really know why.

The songs with an (*) actually came out in the late 70's but I cheated and snuck them in anyway. Not sure why they didn't make it onto the 70's CD but they're here now.

That's right - it's me! Thank you very much.

From 1993 to 1996 I taught at a middle school in Norfolk, Virginia. It was an inner-city school – about 90% of the students were black and about 75% of them lived in public housing projects. When I first got the job, I was terrified. I didn’t have “To Sir With Love,” “Stand and Deliver,” or “Welcome Back Kotter” in mind when I decided I wanted to be a teacher. I pictured more of my own school experiences. I really had no idea what to expect and I wasn’t sure I would be able to handle it. But I needed the job so I took it.

It turns out I could handle it. I loved the kids and they loved me too. Of course, there were a few kids who were really special to me and one of them was Julia. Julia was an awesome kid. She was smart and funny and so sweet. Sometimes she hung out with me after school and she spent some time at our house hanging out with Matt and me. Julia would talk to me about everything. I got to know her family and when Julia was diagnosed with Lupus I spent time with her and her family at the hospital. That was 11 years ago and Julia and I have actually kept in touch off and on over the years. She sent me a graduation announcement when she graduated from high school. She was so proud that she was actually graduating, and I was proud of her too.

A few weeks ago I got a phone call from Julia. I hadn’t heard from her in about 5 years. The last time I talked with her she had called because she was going to Norfolk State but she was having trouble paying for her next semester. She wondered if she could borrow some money from us and she would pay us back. Julia had never asked for money before so I knew this must be important. I talked with Matt and we decided we’d help her out. We also agreed that we would consider this a gift and not expect to get it back. Julia insisted that she would pay us back one day and I told her that was fine. After sending the money, I didn’t hear from Julia again until this recent phone call.

Julia’s phone call brought back lots of memories. I remembered the time that Julia and Patrick, another one of my student’s, became boyfriend and girlfriend. One day after school they had both stayed to hang out and I went down to the office for something. When I came back they were kissing in my room – a very sweet kiss, not groping and mashing. They were both embarrassed, which tells you a lot about them because I had students who could have been having sex when I walked in and they wouldn’t have been embarrassed.

I also remembered the boy who had been sucking on a penny and started choking on it in the middle of class. He got up and went out to the rest room. I could tell something was wrong when he left so I followed him right into the boy’s room and saw he was choking. I gave him the Heimlich and it came out. From that day on, I would tease him by asking if he could give me some change for a dollar. The thing that stood out about that incident was how this tough kid would rather go to the restroom by himself and possibly die than to ask for help and be vulnerable in front of the other kids. This was a common mindset.

I also remembered the nicknames. Julia’s older sister was “Bug” and that was just her name. I don’t know that I ever knew her real name. One kid had the nickname “Pac-Man.” I called to talk to his mom one evening when I was having trouble with him in class and his mom yells, “Pac-Man, get down here! Mrs. Sears says…” It just cracked me up that his mom even called him Pac-Man.

One of the most frustrating things about this job was the administration. It reflected badly on the principal if there were too many detentions or suspensions, so these things didn’t happen very often. For the most part, we weren’t left with a lot of disciplinary options. One of the other frustrations was grading. I could have easily failed at least half of my students if I was giving the grades they actually deserved. But I couldn’t do that because that would reflect badly on me. So I had to adjust my grading scale a bit, but even with this quite generous curve, I was sometimes told that I was failing too many students. The principal actually called me into his office one day and asked me if I’d seen the movie “Dangerous Minds” (it had just come out). I told him yes. He said that we sometimes have to use atypical strategies, like in the movie, to help these kids be successful. By continuing to fail these kids over and over again we were just beating them down so we needed to help them up by giving them grades even if they didn’t earn them. It made no sense to me and I pointed out to him that in the movie Michelle Pfeiffer never gave her kids grades they didn’t earn, she just inspired them to want to earn them. I was just waiting for him to tell me that I needed to start going out and playing pool with the kids after school. He didn’t seem to hear my comment and let me go to “think about what he’d said.” It didn’t really matter what I did because when they turned 16 (they should leave middle school at 14) the principal passed them on to high school anyway because he didn’t want 16 year olds in the building causing trouble.

I think most of us can figure out the effects of giving kids passing grades when they aren’t doing the work to earn them. We have kids passing through the system who should be learning how to be competent people, but aren’t learning anything. But the worst result is kids who know they haven’t earned the grade they’ve been given. Instead of boosting their self-esteem it actually creates laziness, self-doubt, and self-loathing. The first response is, “Why should I put any effort into this when I will pass whether I do it or not.” But the next response is “I must not be capable of doing this so they have to give me the grades since I’m not able to earn them on my own.” The actions for this thought are the same, “Why try,” but the effect on the psyche is much more damaging. They begin to doubt themselves and believe they can’t earn anything on their own unless someone gives it to them. It’s a miserable state. If you went to the projects in the middle of the day there were people and kids just wandering around doing nothing because they’d been conditioned to believe that’s all they were capable of and why bother trying to do more when the bills would be paid for whether they did anything about it or not. It’s a sad and depressing place – and actually the buildings were quite new and the grounds were fairly well cared for. What made it sad and depressing was the feeling of hopelessness that hung heavy in the air.

I see the government’s welfare handouts as nothing more than giving passing grades to people who didn’t earn them. On the surface it’s easy to say, “Oh, they have such and such situations in their life so we need to take care of them.” Sounds like someone who really cares. In reality it’s patronizing and does nothing more than create laziness and self-loathing.

Whenever the government attempts to distribute wealth to make things more equitable, it usually has the opposite effect. Take minimum wage, for instance. Sounds good on the surface. Make those greedy corporations pay their employees more money. That will move the wealth around. The fact is, minimum wage doesn’t effect corporations a whole lot. They’ve got deep pockets. But minimum wage (along with other big government regulations and taxations) kills small businesses which hope to one day be able to compete with the big corporations. Since small businesses are so impeded, the corporations have their competition taken care of for them and the money stays right where it is. The intentions may be good, but, well, you know the rest.

The same is true of welfare. I’ve heard people compare the welfare and public housing system to plantations and slavery. It’s been said that if you wanted to create a system that will keep the down and outs down you couldn’t do any better than the American welfare system. Destroy their psyche so they don’t believe they’re capable of doing more and that’s where they’ll stay! It makes me furious when people think I’m greedy and cold-hearted because I don’t want the government to take care of the poor. Nothing could be further from the truth. I think the people who condone and support government welfare are the cold-hearted ones. I think the poor do need help and guidance and role models, but all of this should be given by churches, communities, organizations, and individuals – not the government. The effect on the receiver is going to be completely different if the money is seen as an entitlement, something they are given just because they exist, than if it’s given by someone as a gift. Someone believed in them and gave them a chance even though they didn’t have to.

When Julia called me a few weeks ago, she told me that shortly after receiving the money from us she had done some jail time. A woman she worked for had been writing fake checks and got Julia in on the action. Julia said that at first she did it because she needed to pay off bills and she justified that she wasn’t stealing the money from a person, it was just coming from the bank. But she admitted that it was so easy that she got greedy and that’s why she got caught. She was embarrassed and felt badly about the money that we sent her. Of course there are people who will even take advantage of gifts given out of caring, but just as Julia wouldn’t have done what she did if it took money from a person, most people aren’t going to screw over someone with a face and a name who cares about them. But take advantage of Uncle Sam – why not?

Julia said that her life was back on track now. She has a job and is working to be on her own and she said that someday she’d repay the money we sent her. I didn’t tell Julia not to worry about paying us back. Although I don’t ever expect to get it, how awesome it would be if someday she got to the place where she was able to. How proud she would be and what a sense of accomplishment. Wouldn’t it be great if what kept her going was that she wanted to be able to repay Mrs. Sears that money someday because Mrs. Sears believed in her?

Julia, you will always have a place in my heart and in my prayers.

Well, the technical difficulties continue, but they are getting better. If you ever have trouble reaching my blog there are 2 different addresses you can use

maresmess.brendoman.com
brendoman.com/maresmess

Sometimes one will work for me and sometimes the other will. Hopefully we'll be back to normal soon as we've switched servers. I'm not completely sure what that means, but that's what Lars said. I also haven't been able to post anything for a while because I haven't been able to get in, but hopefully that's been corrected now too. Unfortunately, I don't have time to write much now but I did want to give you the link to last week's podcast. I hope to be back in action soon.

After several days of technical difficulties and a couple weeks of being extremely busy and not having much to write about, here I am. First off here's the link to our latest podcast dated 4/13/05. I think they've been getting progressively lamer, but a regular listener says he thinks they've been getting better. I'll let you be the judge. So far we've had listener mail every week for the show so keep those comments coming.

One more piece of news, I found a liberal blog that I like. I really have been keeping my eyes open for one, but most of them turned my stomach. This one's called Lean Left. I actually found him because he does a thing where he sends 5 questions to someone and asks them to reply. Some of the questions are silly and some are serious. He sent 5 questions to Joe Carter of Evangelical Outpost (another blog I frequent). This guy seems very rational and doesn't just blindly follow the Democratic party line. And he doesn't spew hatred - a big plus! Check him out.

I've got some ideas brewing for other posts, but they'll have to wait for another day.

This weekend our scrapbooking club (the Holy Scrappers) took our annual pilgrimage to the scrapbooking expo in Kansas City. We hit the expo on Friday and Friday evening checked into our rooms at the Comfort Suites. We scrapbooked in the conference room of the hotel all night (well, we crashed about 3:00 am) and then about 9 am we were up and at it again. We worked for another 3 hours and then packed up and loaded our stuff (an hour long ordeal). You'd think that a lot would be accomplished if you're scrapbooking for 12 hours. I was able to complete 3 measly 2-page spreads.

There are (at least) 4 kinds of scrapbookers. First there is the person who slaps the pages together in no time with the slightest amount of thought - yet their pages always look great. This person is annoying and should be stopped at all costs. But nothing stops them. You can try to distract them with conversation, food, and even alcohol yet they will continue to crank out their pages as they partake in all the above. Next there are the people who also crank out the pages, but their pages are never masterpieces and they don't seem to care. "Ehhhh, looks pretty good. On to the next page." I have no problem with these people. They don't bother me and I don't bother them. Then there is your average scrapbooker. They will spend some time rearranging their page, trying different papers to find just the right shade, and looking through their embellishments to see if they possess exactly what is needed to make the page perfect. Usually they don't, but occasionally they do - and when they do it is a beautiful thing. They don't spend a huge amount of time on each page but they are usually very good. Sometimes they're great. I can tolerate this person, although I am a bit envious.

Then there is me. I've never met another scrapbooker like me before, but I'm sure there must be others. I torment myself over every page. I don't know what paper to use (plain or printed, white or black, bold or subtle), I never have the right embellishments and when I ask others if they've got what I'm looking for they are always willing to share, but they rarely have just the right one. My biggest weakness is layout. I'm horrible at figuring out how to arrange the pictures on the page. When I ask for help (which I'm loathe to do because I do it so often) one of my buddies can usually come over and say, "What if you put them like this?" and they arrange them perfectly on the page. Why can't I do that? Is there something wrong with me? Is it somehow connected to my complete lack of sense of direction? Or the fact that I have absolutely no spatial skills?

I'm a miserable person to scrapbook with as I bitch and moan and complain about every page I'm working on and then when I ask for help I don't like anyone else's ideas either. So why do I do it?

When I finally finish a page I usually love the results. I look at it and go, "Wow, I did that." I've never been an artistic or craftsy person, so I'm in awe of the fact that I can actually take a blank page and create something on it. I've always wanted to be a creator but never thought I was capable. With scrapbooking I am. I have almost as many memories of where I was and who helped me with each page I've made as I do for the pictures on the page. I've never been much of a "hobby" person and have always been a bit jealous of Matt because he had so many things he was interested in and enjoyed doing. Scrapbooking gives me a creative outlet, a social venue, and I'm making something that hopefully my kids will treasure some day as much as I do. That's why I love scrapbooking.

My time at blogger.com is over. I have a new and improved blog at brendoman.com. At brendoman I've got some hot new features. You can now keep up with the books I'm reading and movies I've seen in my new "Mare's Media" section. You can also see at-a-glance the most recent comments to my blog in the new "Recent Comments" section. I might have been able to add these features to my blogger site, but I don't have the technological know-how or the ambition to figure it out. At brendoman.com I have my own personal manservant, Lars, who is happy to fashion my blog to fulfill my slightest whim. (His name's really Danny, but Lars makes him sound so much more subservient.) I'm also looking forward to new features that are still in the works. Lars was kind enough as to transport all of the posts and comments from blogger to my new brendoman blog. You'll notice that the old comments aren't necessarily in the correct order on the new blog, but Lars does have a full time job in addition to trying to please me. You're all intelligent people and I'm sure you'll be able to figure it out. New posts will be ordered appropriately.

So update your bookmarks and your bloglines feeds. I'm now at http://www.maresmess.brendoman.com/

BIG thanks to Danny! Without him, it would not have been possible. Now, I'm a super-blogger on the cutting edge of the blogosphere. Or, at least I have a way cooler blog now. Although I will miss my dots.

A year ago I prepared a list of my favorite songs from the 70's and Matt downloaded them and put them on a CD. I think it's awesome, but I'm also totally aware that many might think that some of the songs I picked are aweful. I didn't pick them because of their great musical style or their brilliant lyrics. I picked them because they speak to me in one way or another. Some of them are songs I'm embarrassed to admit that I like. Thank God I'm a Country Boy by John Denver comes to mind. But they remind me of a time or place from my youth, or the intense emotions of my early adolescence, or I just like them and can give you no good reason why.


For a few months now I've been working on my 80's list. I thought this list would be much harder to compile. I was older and had more experiences in the 80's that I associate certain songs to. I thought I would have a hard time narrowing the list down to 25 (my self-imposed number). This list has been harder than my 70's list, but not because I'm finding too many I want on it, but because the songs I remember loving in the 80's just don't speak to me now the way they did then. One reason is that the 80's more produced sound just doesn't hold up as well with time as music from the 70's did. I was a HUGE Michael Jackson fan and was sure there would be several of his songs on my list, but when I go back and listen to them now, they just don't hold the magic for me that they did in the 80's. The only MJ song to make it on my list was Rock With You. I'm not sure if it's because he turned into a freak, but maybe.


I've got a list of the definites for the CD. Besides Rock With You, I've got:


One Thing Leads to Another – The Fixx
Jessie’s Girl – Rick Springfield

867-5309 – Tommy Tutone
You Dropped a Bomb on Me – Gap Band

Jeopardy – Greg Kihn Band
Can You Feel It – The Jacksons

Life’s Been Good – Joe Walsh
Somebody’s Baby – Jackson Browne

Lady – Commodores
Fire – Pointer Sisters

I Can Dream About You – Dan Hartman
Cuts Like a Knife – Bryan Adams

Wild, Wild West – Escape Club
If This Is It – Huey Lewis


Feel free to comment, criticize, or congratulate me for my great taste in music. This list makes 15. I still need 10 more. I've got a list of maybe's, but most of them aren't reaching out and grabbing me. The ones I'm leaning towards most strongly are Hold On by Kansas, Emergency by Kool & the Gang, and We Got the Beat by the Go-Go's. But I'm not married to any of them. I also have a few songs that I like, but I'm not sure when they came out. Anyone know of a site where I can find the year songs came out? Amazon has been no help in this regard.


Anyway, this is where you come in. Give me your suggestions for songs from the 80's that speak to you. They may or may not speak to me, but it will be fun to hear your ideas nonetheless. And I really need some suggestions. I'll let you know my final 10 once I've decided on them.



By the way, they need to be songs I can listen to with my kids around. I've got a list of songs from the 70's, 80's and 90's for my "After Hours" CD that I'll listen to when the kids aren't around. I'll share that list with you if anyone cares, but right now I've got to get ready to go to work.

OK, I just read "Fred Endorses Hillary" (ditto - can't make it link directly to column so find it on left and click on it) and had to recommend it. I haven't laughed this much in a long time. If Matt suddenly died in a mysterious accident, I would marry Fred. I hope that doesn't happen, honey, but it's just smart to have a back-up plan.

OK - I have my own blog. Not sure what I'll be doing with it, but I had to have one because everyone else is doing it. Most of you don't know me by the nickname "Mare" but that's what my family calls me and my nephews Peter and Jonathan even call me "Auntie Mare". Now it's my bloggin' name. The only other nickname I've had (you need a nickname when your name is 4 syllables and 9 letters long) is Mel. An old friend found out that Mel Harris's (from "thirtysomething" - a TV show from way back in the 1980's, for the benefit of any young punks who may be reading) real name was MaryEllen, but everyone called her Mel for short - so from that day on I was Mel to my friend Liz. But it never stuck beyond that. OK, I did have one other nickname. In high school our church youth group was going on a mission trip to Oklahoma. On the bus, to kill time, we were switching people's initials to see what their names would be. So, Matt Sears would be Satt Mears, etc. They got to me (my name at the time was MaryEllen Henderson) my friend Andy said "What would you be, Hairy Melons?" Big laughs from everyone, big embarrassment for me (I was 16) but I was occasionally known as Hairy Melons for the rest of my youth group career. But, no, I'm going to stick with Mare as my online handle. Now, please take a moment to welcome me to the 21st century.