Mare's Mess

I heard last night that comedian Mitch Hedberg died. Matt and I first caught Mitch on David Letterman in 1999. Most times when you see a comic on one of the late night shows you may smile or chuckle, but then their done and you don't remember a single joke they told, much less their name. Mitch was so unique and we laughed out loud during his performance. We made mental notes of his name and knew we had to remember this guy.

That Christmas I ordered Hedberg's CD for Matt. It was getting close to Christmas and I emailed Mitch to check on the status of the CD. I let him know it was a Christmas gift. Mitch emailed me back and said he wouldn't have any by Christmas but he offered to send an autographed 8 x 10 so I'd have something to give. He did and that was Matt's Christmas present that year. The CD came later and it exceeded our memories of how funny he was.

In honor of Mitch I'm posting a sampling of some of his jokes. If you've never heard his stand up, it may be hard to appreciate the jokes without his delivery. Imagine a stoned guy telling the jokes and you'll have an idea.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty.

My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."

The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut to some skeptical friend. "Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "...Here's a picture of me when I'm older." 'you son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? lemme see that camera!'

They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I said, "Dude, you have to wait."

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was totally unnecessary.

Any others you'd like to add?