Mare's Mess

My niece, Amy, came across this school in Falls Church, VA. For those of you who may not know, my maiden name is Henderson. I know I did a lot of things I don't remember, but I'd love to know what I did that endeared me so to the people of Falls Church, VA. I'll be waiting anxiously for the "About MEH" section. Oh, and check out my school song. Enthusiastic, Fantastic, We are MaryEllen. . . You Bet!

I've come out of retirement because it's Christmas break and I've decided to take a break from my grading to make a long overdue post. We recently received a list from my nephew John that he gives to people who join Netflix in which he recommends 40 movies they should check out. This inspired Matt and I to create our own movie list. The criteria for this list was that if someone said they had never seen this movie we would say, "You HAVE to see it!" It's been fun working on the list and this is just a draft we've come up with after working on it for a few days. We could (and probably will) add more. But here's what we have to date (in no particular order):

Carrie
Monty Python's Life of Brian
Monty Python's Holy Grail
Manhattan Murder Mystery
Life is Beautiful
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
When Harry Met Sally
Pirates of the Carribean
Momento
Napoleon Dynamite
Excess Baggage
Fabulous Baker Boys
Usual Suspects
Sixth Sense
All About Eve
Halloween
American Movie
Out of Sight
Mother
Moonstruck
Do the Right Thing
Lost in Translation
Spanish Prisoner
Simple Plan
Airplane!
Pulp Fiction
Breakfast Club
Waiting for Guffman
In the Bedroom
Fargo
Silence of the Lambs

These are movies that we probably wouldn't say "You HAVE to see it" but we think you should see them:

Slacker
God Said Ha!
Malcolm X
Open Range
Comedian
Stripes (the first half of this movie is very funny, but the second half leaves a lot to be desired - we recommend the first half and then you can turn it off)
The Apostle
Capturing the Friedmans
Memories of Murder

Like I said, this is what we've come up with at this point. There are probably going to be some that we'll wonder how we missed them. Send us any suggestions you have for movies everyone should see.

Here's #16 of The Plain View.

Miss no more. Here is #14 (recorded about a month ago) and #15 (recorded a week ago). Better late than never!

Here it is.

-Rock With You - Michael Jackson (i had MJ fever BAD in the 80's. i even had a red jacket like the one he wore in the Beat It video. you don't even have to tell me how completely dorky this is.)

-One Thing Leads to Another - The Fixx (every time i hear this song i picture the video in my head. usually that's annoying, but not with this one.)

-Jessie's Girl - Rick Springfield

-867-5309 - Tommy Tutone

-You Dropped the Bomb on Me - Gap Band

-Jeopardy - Greg Kihn Band (major University of Arkansas memories!)

-Can You Feel It? - The Jackson's (this was a carry over from my Michael-mania, but i really liked the Jackson's Triumph album. i was torn between this song and Lovely One. still not sure i made the right decision, but i'll have to live with it.)

-Somebody's Baby - Jackson Browne (major Fast Times at Ridgemont High memories)

-Lady (You Bring Me Up When I'm Down) - Commodores (this was one of the 5 or so songs that were out at the same time with the name Lady. can you name the others?)

-Fire - Pointer Sisters (major high school cruising memories)

-Run to You - Bryan Adams

-If This Is It - Huey Lewis

-Cut's Like a Knife - Bryan Adams

*Biggest Part of Me - Ambrosia (very sappy, but i still love it)

-I Don't Want to Live Without You - Foreigner (ditto the above. I wanted my friend Tammy to sing this one at our wedding but she said she couldn't because it wasn't in her range - or some lame excuse - but she did another lovely song for us so it was all good.)

-Emergency - Kool & the Gang

-Walking on Sunshine - Katrina & the Waves

-Lonesome Loser - Little River Band

-My Sharona - The Knack

-Hold On - Kansas (this song would make the list on it's own, but it has an added allure. i was driving around with my first love in high school - major heartbreak, but that's a story for another day - and when this song came on everything stopped as he cranked it up and said, "My favorite song by my favorite band." suddenly it became my favorite song by my favorite band too. i go back on that drive everytime i hear this song.)

*Stay - Jackson Browne

*September - Earth, Wind, & Fire

-Photograph - Def Leppard (matt talked me into this one on the podcast and it replaced Sweet Child O Mine. i hadn't thought about Def Leppard but loved Pyromania when it came out so i checked it out after the podcast and decided it should replace Guns 'N Roses)

-I'll Fall in Love Again - Sammy Haggar (matt also planted the seed for this one. he kept talking about how Van Halen would be on his 80's list so we got online to see which Van Halen songs he would pick and i remembered this Sammy Haggar song. it came out the summer after breaking up with my longtime boyfriend and it represented a new found independence and hope for the future to me. it also just jams.)

This is going to sound very Stuart Smalley, but each one of these songs is special to me in it's own way. As you can see from my descriptions above, some of them take me back to a specific time and place. Some just remind me of my former self and where I was (physically and emotionally)at the time it came out. Many of them just make me happy when I hear them and I don't really know why.

The songs with an (*) actually came out in the late 70's but I cheated and snuck them in anyway. Not sure why they didn't make it onto the 70's CD but they're here now.

Here are the links for show #12 and #13.

This morning I heard about the Supreme Court's recent eminent domain decision and I was dismayed.

The Virgin Queen said it best:

Our government has just declared that the inalienable right to own property is now subject to the whims of the mob and those who have more money and power than you.

Vox Day says:

This effectively ends all pretense of American property rights, since state and local governments now have the ability to hand over a desired property to anyone with the requisite political influence.

Sandra Day O'Connor said in her dissent:

"Any property may now be taken for the benefit of
another private party, but the fallout from this decision will not be random. The beneficiaries are likely to be those citizens with disproportionate influence and power in the political process, including large corporations and development firms."

A very sad, frightening and unfortunate decision, indeed.

http://www.brendoman.com/matt/2005/06/10/title_91

I finished reading "What's So Amazing About Grace" by Philip Yancey this week. Not a great book, but it did impact me and I'd recommend it. A few thoughts from the book that I came away with.

"The world can do almost anything as well as or better than the church. . . You need not be a Christian to build houses, feed the hungry, or heal the sick. There is only one thing the world cannot do. It cannot offer grace."

Yancey recounts the story of a preacher who struck up a conversation with a prostitute who was homeless, sick, and unable to buy food for her 2 year old daughter. She had been doing wretched things with her daughter to bring in money for her drug habit. The preacher asked her if she had ever considered going to a church for help. She replied, "Church! Why would I want to go there? I already feel horrible about myself. They'd just make me feel worse." Admittedly, Christians aren't known for their grace. Yet it's the only thing we can provide that the world can't.

"Think of the impact if the first thing radical feminists thought of when the conversation turned to evangelical men was that they had the best reputation for keeping their marriage vows (ed. - yancey had just pointed out that the rate of divorce among evangelicals is about the same as the national average) and serving their wives in the costly fashion of Jesus at the cross. Think of the impact if the first thing the homosexual community thought of when someone mentioned evangelicals was that they were the people who lovingly ran the AIDS shelters and tenderly cared for them down to the last gasp. A little consistent wholesome modeling and costly servanthood are worth millions of true words harshly spoken."

Christians have become so politically motivated that I think winning in public policy has become more important than servanthood. Christ didn't say, "Legislate your neighbor to act as yourself." And he didn't say, "Give unto Ceasar what is Ceasar's and then let HIM feed the poor." We seem to want the government to do the work God has called US to do.

I'm not just pointing fingers here because I'm certainly not known for my service to those in need or loving my neighbor as myself or feeding the hungry. Most of us are awfully lame as Christians and really don't deserve to call ourselves such. Yet God still loves us and forgives us and is always willing to give us another chance. That's what's so amazing about grace.

I just realized I haven't posted the links to the last 2 podcasts so here they are.

Found this on Common Grounds Online and thought it was funny. (Here's part 2) My favorite:

If you see a Gold’s Gym t-shirt and then think that a “God’s Gym” t-shirt would be really cool…you might be an evangelical.

There were a couple I didn't get (what IS a DTR?) so I must not be an evangelical. I'm trying to think of my own additions to the list but I'm not that clever yet today. Anyone?

The first time I read “The Three Minute Abortion Debate” it was a little uncomfortable because at one time I was the insufferable liberal. And yes, I did sound that stupid when arguing about abortion with someone. You can’t really blame me. There is no logical conclusion to the pro abortion argument. That’s why “pro choicers” end up dancing around the subject by bringing up how “pro lifers” care more about unborn kids than born ones and how “pro lifers” are such hypocrites. These things may or may not be true, but they are simply diversions from the real issue -- why is it OK to kill a baby?

Let me offer some examples of the brilliantly illogical things you hear from pro abortionists:

“It’s just a clump of cells”

So are you, can I kill you?

“What about all the poor women who will die as a result of unsafe and unclean back alley abortions?”

What about all the poor boys and girls who die as a result of “safe and clean” abortions and end up in back alley trash cans every day? At least if a woman has an illegal back alley abortion, that’s her choice. The boys and girls have no choice in the matter. I thought you liked choice! Unfortunately, the choice to kill someone who’s existence we find annoying isn’t one of the freedoms we have in this country.

“It is possible that a fetus is unable to perceive pain at any time during pregnancy.”

Can I drug you until you’re unable to feel any pain and then kill you? Why not? It’s probably painless.

“Children who are unplanned are more likely to be abused, and children born unwanted face increased risks of poor health, poverty and neglect.”

I have one word for you – adoption! If you don’t want the kid – for goodness sake, give it to someone who is dying to have one. As Bruce Bethke said, there is no such thing as an unwanted child in America today. There are people waiting in line for years to adopt. And it’s amazing how many are willing to take drug addicted babies, babies with major health problems and babies of any race. Most adoptive parents are willing to pay all the medical expenses incurred by the birthmother and many will compensate for wages missed while carrying the child.

But, let’s say adoption wasn’t an option. Is death really a better fate than possible abuse, poor health, poverty and neglect? If so, let’s round up all the abused, sick, poor, and neglected kids today and put them out of their misery. We can give them drugs so it will be painless!

I’m sure I’ll think of more ridiculous abortion utterances, and maybe I’ll add them when I do. If I’ve insulted you, I’m truly sorry because I can totally relate to your groundless sense of righteous indignation. But maybe I’ve made a dent in the indoctrination you’ve suffered. It took people like me to finally pull my insufferable self out of the fog, and I’m glad to provide that same service for others.

That's right - it's me! Thank you very much.

When I first found "Fred on Everything" I loved him. Then I found I wasn't very interested in anything he's written since then. Today (see Pitying the Poor) he backed up my thoughts on poverty. I think he nails the problem and I gave the explanation for why the poor are the way they are. How fun!

As he so often does, Vox rocks once again!

. . .the libertarian Right is opposed to the war because it and many things inspired by it are violations of libertarian principles. The Left opposes it because George Bush is for it.

You may recall that both the libertarian Right and the Republicans were against the Balkan war as well, while the Left was for it. As is all too often the case, of the three parties involved, only the libertarian Right is consistent in applying the same principles to different situations.

Here's the link to the latest podcast.

Keep those comments coming!

Found this blog entry about how the Minneapolis Star Tribune has recently posted an editorial supporting the right of Democrats to use the filibuster to block President Bush's appointee votes in congress. What makes this interesting is that in 1993 and 1994, when Clinton was president, the Star Trib advocated a "crusade for changes in Senate procedures that would prevent an obstructionist minority from delaying action indefinitely." Back then they referred to it as "the putrid flood of verbiage known as a filibuster". When this apparent contradiction was pointed out to Jim Boyd, Star Trib Deputy Editor, he replied in an email by saying, "I think you actually have caught us in a contradiction. We can change our mind, as we did on light rail, but in this case, we really didn't. We simply missed the precedent and, like a court, if we make such a shift, we owe readers an explanation for why we did it." I won't hold my breath waiting for the explanation.

This is why I can't stand Democrats and Republicans who have no principles. They are for whatever furthers their cause/party/agenda and against whatever doesn't, period. Whenever they give an explanation for anything, you can bet it's meaningless. I've mentioned this before (I'm too lazy to come up with new examples), but pro-choicers cry, "My body, my choice" when that principle only applies in this very specific situation. Besides abortion, they love to have the government make all kinds of choices about your body and your life for you. The pro-lifers wail about the sanctity of life, yet they're glad to fry someone when they see fit. These people don't seem to care how stupid they may look or how empty their arguments may be. Drives me insane. It's why I love the Libertarians, because all we are is one big fat principle (it's also why I hate them because they continue to be a great principle but politically impotent, but that's another post). Of course, if Libs ever become a powerful political force and become as vacuous as the Dems and Reps I'd dump them too or become their loudest critic. I think principles are worth fighting for, but not unprincipled political parties or their mindless supporters.

Here's the link to our latest podcast.

Danny introduced me to this very fun website, and now I'll share it with you, my beloved readers. The website works like this: You go to stumbleupon.com and open an account. They ask you to identify topics of websites you are interested in. After you have registered, a toolbar is added to your screen with the words "stumble," "i like it," and "not for me." Just for kicks you can click on "stumble" at any time and a random website will be shown to you, based on the categories you chose when you registered. After viewing each page you can click on "i like it" or "not for me." Stumbleupon keeps track of the sites you like so as time goes on, the theory is, that they will be more accurate in sending you websites you will like. Most of the sites they have shown me so far are pretty ridiculous. A few times they sent me to sites I was already aware of (The Onion, Liberty for All, etc.). I have found a few cool sites as a result of stumbleupon. Mostly it's just addictive (I guess like the slots) to keep hitting "stumble" and watching with anticipation to see what they'll send you next. There are other fun things you can do like keeping track of sites friends have found that they like. And there's more, but I haven't been very adventurous with it so far so you'll have to check it out for yourself.

One of the cool sites I found through stumbleupon (which was highlighted on The Plain View podcast #7) is bookcrossing.com. Since I talked about it on the podcast, I won't go into detail here, but check it out. Pretty cool if you're a book lover. Another site I just found today is The Best Page in the Universe. It's pretty obnoxious, but parts of it made me laugh out loud. One of my favorite items on this site was The Movie Signs in Four Easy Steps. Not very timely or really all that funny in itself, but I hated the movie too and our shared disdain for the movie made me laugh. Unintentionally Sexual Comic Book Covers also made me laugh.

So give stumbleupon.com a try and then share any good finds with me!

From 1993 to 1996 I taught at a middle school in Norfolk, Virginia. It was an inner-city school – about 90% of the students were black and about 75% of them lived in public housing projects. When I first got the job, I was terrified. I didn’t have “To Sir With Love,” “Stand and Deliver,” or “Welcome Back Kotter” in mind when I decided I wanted to be a teacher. I pictured more of my own school experiences. I really had no idea what to expect and I wasn’t sure I would be able to handle it. But I needed the job so I took it.

It turns out I could handle it. I loved the kids and they loved me too. Of course, there were a few kids who were really special to me and one of them was Julia. Julia was an awesome kid. She was smart and funny and so sweet. Sometimes she hung out with me after school and she spent some time at our house hanging out with Matt and me. Julia would talk to me about everything. I got to know her family and when Julia was diagnosed with Lupus I spent time with her and her family at the hospital. That was 11 years ago and Julia and I have actually kept in touch off and on over the years. She sent me a graduation announcement when she graduated from high school. She was so proud that she was actually graduating, and I was proud of her too.

A few weeks ago I got a phone call from Julia. I hadn’t heard from her in about 5 years. The last time I talked with her she had called because she was going to Norfolk State but she was having trouble paying for her next semester. She wondered if she could borrow some money from us and she would pay us back. Julia had never asked for money before so I knew this must be important. I talked with Matt and we decided we’d help her out. We also agreed that we would consider this a gift and not expect to get it back. Julia insisted that she would pay us back one day and I told her that was fine. After sending the money, I didn’t hear from Julia again until this recent phone call.

Julia’s phone call brought back lots of memories. I remembered the time that Julia and Patrick, another one of my student’s, became boyfriend and girlfriend. One day after school they had both stayed to hang out and I went down to the office for something. When I came back they were kissing in my room – a very sweet kiss, not groping and mashing. They were both embarrassed, which tells you a lot about them because I had students who could have been having sex when I walked in and they wouldn’t have been embarrassed.

I also remembered the boy who had been sucking on a penny and started choking on it in the middle of class. He got up and went out to the rest room. I could tell something was wrong when he left so I followed him right into the boy’s room and saw he was choking. I gave him the Heimlich and it came out. From that day on, I would tease him by asking if he could give me some change for a dollar. The thing that stood out about that incident was how this tough kid would rather go to the restroom by himself and possibly die than to ask for help and be vulnerable in front of the other kids. This was a common mindset.

I also remembered the nicknames. Julia’s older sister was “Bug” and that was just her name. I don’t know that I ever knew her real name. One kid had the nickname “Pac-Man.” I called to talk to his mom one evening when I was having trouble with him in class and his mom yells, “Pac-Man, get down here! Mrs. Sears says…” It just cracked me up that his mom even called him Pac-Man.

One of the most frustrating things about this job was the administration. It reflected badly on the principal if there were too many detentions or suspensions, so these things didn’t happen very often. For the most part, we weren’t left with a lot of disciplinary options. One of the other frustrations was grading. I could have easily failed at least half of my students if I was giving the grades they actually deserved. But I couldn’t do that because that would reflect badly on me. So I had to adjust my grading scale a bit, but even with this quite generous curve, I was sometimes told that I was failing too many students. The principal actually called me into his office one day and asked me if I’d seen the movie “Dangerous Minds” (it had just come out). I told him yes. He said that we sometimes have to use atypical strategies, like in the movie, to help these kids be successful. By continuing to fail these kids over and over again we were just beating them down so we needed to help them up by giving them grades even if they didn’t earn them. It made no sense to me and I pointed out to him that in the movie Michelle Pfeiffer never gave her kids grades they didn’t earn, she just inspired them to want to earn them. I was just waiting for him to tell me that I needed to start going out and playing pool with the kids after school. He didn’t seem to hear my comment and let me go to “think about what he’d said.” It didn’t really matter what I did because when they turned 16 (they should leave middle school at 14) the principal passed them on to high school anyway because he didn’t want 16 year olds in the building causing trouble.

I think most of us can figure out the effects of giving kids passing grades when they aren’t doing the work to earn them. We have kids passing through the system who should be learning how to be competent people, but aren’t learning anything. But the worst result is kids who know they haven’t earned the grade they’ve been given. Instead of boosting their self-esteem it actually creates laziness, self-doubt, and self-loathing. The first response is, “Why should I put any effort into this when I will pass whether I do it or not.” But the next response is “I must not be capable of doing this so they have to give me the grades since I’m not able to earn them on my own.” The actions for this thought are the same, “Why try,” but the effect on the psyche is much more damaging. They begin to doubt themselves and believe they can’t earn anything on their own unless someone gives it to them. It’s a miserable state. If you went to the projects in the middle of the day there were people and kids just wandering around doing nothing because they’d been conditioned to believe that’s all they were capable of and why bother trying to do more when the bills would be paid for whether they did anything about it or not. It’s a sad and depressing place – and actually the buildings were quite new and the grounds were fairly well cared for. What made it sad and depressing was the feeling of hopelessness that hung heavy in the air.

I see the government’s welfare handouts as nothing more than giving passing grades to people who didn’t earn them. On the surface it’s easy to say, “Oh, they have such and such situations in their life so we need to take care of them.” Sounds like someone who really cares. In reality it’s patronizing and does nothing more than create laziness and self-loathing.

Whenever the government attempts to distribute wealth to make things more equitable, it usually has the opposite effect. Take minimum wage, for instance. Sounds good on the surface. Make those greedy corporations pay their employees more money. That will move the wealth around. The fact is, minimum wage doesn’t effect corporations a whole lot. They’ve got deep pockets. But minimum wage (along with other big government regulations and taxations) kills small businesses which hope to one day be able to compete with the big corporations. Since small businesses are so impeded, the corporations have their competition taken care of for them and the money stays right where it is. The intentions may be good, but, well, you know the rest.

The same is true of welfare. I’ve heard people compare the welfare and public housing system to plantations and slavery. It’s been said that if you wanted to create a system that will keep the down and outs down you couldn’t do any better than the American welfare system. Destroy their psyche so they don’t believe they’re capable of doing more and that’s where they’ll stay! It makes me furious when people think I’m greedy and cold-hearted because I don’t want the government to take care of the poor. Nothing could be further from the truth. I think the people who condone and support government welfare are the cold-hearted ones. I think the poor do need help and guidance and role models, but all of this should be given by churches, communities, organizations, and individuals – not the government. The effect on the receiver is going to be completely different if the money is seen as an entitlement, something they are given just because they exist, than if it’s given by someone as a gift. Someone believed in them and gave them a chance even though they didn’t have to.

When Julia called me a few weeks ago, she told me that shortly after receiving the money from us she had done some jail time. A woman she worked for had been writing fake checks and got Julia in on the action. Julia said that at first she did it because she needed to pay off bills and she justified that she wasn’t stealing the money from a person, it was just coming from the bank. But she admitted that it was so easy that she got greedy and that’s why she got caught. She was embarrassed and felt badly about the money that we sent her. Of course there are people who will even take advantage of gifts given out of caring, but just as Julia wouldn’t have done what she did if it took money from a person, most people aren’t going to screw over someone with a face and a name who cares about them. But take advantage of Uncle Sam – why not?

Julia said that her life was back on track now. She has a job and is working to be on her own and she said that someday she’d repay the money we sent her. I didn’t tell Julia not to worry about paying us back. Although I don’t ever expect to get it, how awesome it would be if someday she got to the place where she was able to. How proud she would be and what a sense of accomplishment. Wouldn’t it be great if what kept her going was that she wanted to be able to repay Mrs. Sears that money someday because Mrs. Sears believed in her?

Julia, you will always have a place in my heart and in my prayers.

Well, the technical difficulties continue, but they are getting better. If you ever have trouble reaching my blog there are 2 different addresses you can use

maresmess.brendoman.com
brendoman.com/maresmess

Sometimes one will work for me and sometimes the other will. Hopefully we'll be back to normal soon as we've switched servers. I'm not completely sure what that means, but that's what Lars said. I also haven't been able to post anything for a while because I haven't been able to get in, but hopefully that's been corrected now too. Unfortunately, I don't have time to write much now but I did want to give you the link to last week's podcast. I hope to be back in action soon.

After several days of technical difficulties and a couple weeks of being extremely busy and not having much to write about, here I am. First off here's the link to our latest podcast dated 4/13/05. I think they've been getting progressively lamer, but a regular listener says he thinks they've been getting better. I'll let you be the judge. So far we've had listener mail every week for the show so keep those comments coming.

One more piece of news, I found a liberal blog that I like. I really have been keeping my eyes open for one, but most of them turned my stomach. This one's called Lean Left. I actually found him because he does a thing where he sends 5 questions to someone and asks them to reply. Some of the questions are silly and some are serious. He sent 5 questions to Joe Carter of Evangelical Outpost (another blog I frequent). This guy seems very rational and doesn't just blindly follow the Democratic party line. And he doesn't spew hatred - a big plus! Check him out.

I've got some ideas brewing for other posts, but they'll have to wait for another day.

Wow, I haven't posted to my blog in over a week. It's been extremely busy but I hope to be back in the saddle soon. Here's the link to the latest podcast. Please vote for a name so we can put this to rest once and for all.

Here is the link for this week's podcast - for what it's worth.

I heard last night that comedian Mitch Hedberg died. Matt and I first caught Mitch on David Letterman in 1999. Most times when you see a comic on one of the late night shows you may smile or chuckle, but then their done and you don't remember a single joke they told, much less their name. Mitch was so unique and we laughed out loud during his performance. We made mental notes of his name and knew we had to remember this guy.

That Christmas I ordered Hedberg's CD for Matt. It was getting close to Christmas and I emailed Mitch to check on the status of the CD. I let him know it was a Christmas gift. Mitch emailed me back and said he wouldn't have any by Christmas but he offered to send an autographed 8 x 10 so I'd have something to give. He did and that was Matt's Christmas present that year. The CD came later and it exceeded our memories of how funny he was.

In honor of Mitch I'm posting a sampling of some of his jokes. If you've never heard his stand up, it may be hard to appreciate the jokes without his delivery. Imagine a stoned guy telling the jokes and you'll have an idea.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty.

My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."

The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut to some skeptical friend. "Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "...Here's a picture of me when I'm older." 'you son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? lemme see that camera!'

They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I said, "Dude, you have to wait."

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was totally unnecessary.

Any others you'd like to add?